Horrible Life Hacks That Should Not Be Tried Anywhere by Anyone Ever
The internet can be a great source of advice. For every nugget of wisdom, however, there’s a bad idea offered up as profound insight. So-called life hacks are particularly guilty of this — after all, sometimes there’s a reason why people do things the normal way.
The life hacks below are so bad they might cause an early and spectacular exit from the gene pool. Which, if you’re dumb enough to actually try them, might be a good thing for the species as a whole.
Turn Your Toaster on Its Side to Reheat Pizza
Here’s a tip that’s been making the rounds on social media for a few years now. Unlike many of the hacks listed here, this one can sometimes produce good results. But let’s stress the “sometimes.”
The problem, of course, is that the pop-up toaster is not designed for this. Leave it unattended, and not only might your pizza be on fire, but so might your kitchen! Even if you don’t start a fire, do you really want to be cleaning burnt olives and melted cheese out of your toaster? That’s a hard nope.
Hotel Coffee Air Freshener
Twitter user @BlaCkatUltimate has an unusual suggestion for keeping a hotel room smelling fresh. He says, “Life hack: open up the FREE coffee packets (keep the coffee grounds still in their casing) and put them in your fan/air conditioner/heater in your hotel room to not make your room smell bad after a day of playing.”
Honestly, this just sounds like a way to have a mediocre smelling room by wasting mediocre quality hotel coffee. Wouldn’t it be better just to Febreze the place and call it a day?
Remove the Tracking Chip From Your Tire
You just can’t trust the government, man. First, there was all that business with Area 51, then, all the spying on cellphones. And when is NASA finally going to reveal the earth is flat? Well, it’s time to fight back, man.
As @MedicatedMedic on Twitter suggests, “If you want to stop government tracking, just snip this tube that contains the RFID chip embedded in every tire manufactured.” That’s really excellent advice. Here’s another pro-tip: the government doesn’t have to follow you if your car can’t go anywhere because you gave it a flat tire. It pays to think ahead.
Too Much Rice? Add Phones
Everyone knows the trick to dry out your cellphone if it gets wet — just throw it in a bag of dry rice overnight and it will suck all the moisture out. It’s a great life hack! The reverse, however, is a not so great.
@SamFarmer2 on Twitter writes, “Too much water in your rice? Just add a few mobile phones to soak up the water, works every time.” As much as you might think people would recognize this is just a joke, some dim bulbs are probably cooking their phones as we speak.
Seat Belt Beer Opener
Hey, if you’re going to drink and drive, why not be practical about it? Twitter user @bob90003 has a proposition for you: “Stuck in traffic or on a road trip desperately needing a beer, but lacking a bottle opener? No worries, just use your seat-belt.”
While you’re at it, put an ice bucket and a few lemon wedges in the glove compartment and keep some tiny bottles of vodka in the ashtray. If you’re going to treat your car like a bar, you might as well do it in style.
Microwave a Hot Spoon for Your Ice Cream
Hey, no one wants to wait around for their frozen-solid ice cream to get soft so they can spoon it out. No one has time for that.
Twitter user Devin Sodergren offers his pro-tip: “Life hack: is your metal spoon not cutting through that ice hard ice cream … place that spoon in the microwave for a good two minutes to heat the bad boi right up.” The microwave oven has been around since 1967, so you’d think that everyone would know by now how not to burn your house down.
Mute Your Girlfriend With the Remote
The problem with this relationship life hack is that it might work too well. @ProfessorE59 offers his tip with a warning: “Life hack: Pointing the remote at your gf and pushing the mute button repeatedly is super fun, right up until she figures out what you’re doing.”
This is a perfect example of being careful of what you wish for. Trying to mute your girlfriend might silence her permanently, because she may never talk to you again. Remember, if you can press “mute,” she can press “eject.” See how that works?
Put Toothpaste on Your Food
It’s the mark of a winner to save time by multi-tasking. Who says brushing your teeth and eating your meal have to be done separately? Twitterer @furrypillar posits, “You don’t have to brush your teeth if you just put toothpaste in your food.”
This might not be half bad if you haven’t eaten for weeks or you’ve recently had your tastebuds amputated. For everyone else, the tip is a wash because they will have already thrown up. That’s kind of going back to square one.
Stovetop Popcorn Smoke Alarm
The problem with smoke detectors today is that they are just so oversensitive. They can’t tell the difference whether it’s a three-alarm fire or just you cooking a skillet of bacon. Everyone likes feeling safe, but they often goes overboard.
To solve this problem, one social media genius suggests replacing the smoke alarm with a hanging package of stovetop popcorn. If you hear it popping, you definitely have a fire, no doubt about it. Bonus: you’ll have something delicious to eat while you watch your house burn down.
Detangle Your Earbuds
It’s happening as you read this very article. Somewhere, somehow, your earbuds have come alive and are tangling themselves into an infuriating knot. No one knows how it happens. It’s just a weird law of the universe. The world’s smartest scientists are probably working on the problem.
Twitter user @celebrasprinkles has it figured out, though: “if your earbuds are tangled up, use hair detangler to quickly and easily get them back to normal.” If this actually worked, @celebrasprinkles could be sitting on a goldmine. It might be worth a shot!
Freeze Boiled Water for Later
Busy people like to find interesting ways to get time-consuming things out of the way. Seriously, who wants to wait for a pot of water to boil ever again? Twitterer @trisaaraatops sure doesn’t.
She says “if you’re tired of boiling water every time you make ramen, just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.” Hold up…gallons? It’s not certain what’s more worrying: the idiocy of freezing boiled water in advance, or the giant buckets of ramen this person must be shoveling.
In a Pinch, Replace Your Headlight With a Flashlight
Nothing says “There, I fixed it” more than replacing your car’s high-powered halogen electric headlight with an ordinary flashlight powered by a couple of batteries. Should you be commended in public for your ingenuity? Or banished from the planet for reckless idiocy?
On the one hand, there’s a slight chance the flashlight trick might prevent you from getting pulled over, at least if the cops don’t look too closely. On the other hand, at night, you might not see the car that just cut you off, causing you to plummet off a ravine and explode into a burst of stupid. Tough call, man.
Pizza Iron
Ever since everybody saw Johnny Depp make grilled cheese sandwiches with a clothing iron in Benny and Joon, people have gotten it into their heads that irons can be a kitchen appliance. After all, if you can grill a sandwich, why can’t you warm up a pizza?
It’s not completely ridiculous — what you have here is basically a hot plate powered by steam and electricity. But do you really want to iron toasted cheese into your dress shirts? Or do you want your pants to smell like pepperoni? Um…maybe?
Fix Your Socks With a Sharpie
Infomercials are great for getting inspiration when you’re drunk at 3 am and wondering how your life has completely fallen apart. Watching middle-aged men get their bald spots painted over with a spray can probably gave this enterprising young fella a whopper of an idea.
If men with male pattern baldness can paint their heads and give the illusion of a full head of hair, then this guy can paint his toenails to give the illusion of no gaping hole in his life. Er, socks. Totally meant to say socks.
Dip Your Contacts in Coffee to Stay Awake
Big companies like to make their social media accounts funny and hip — it’s all the rage these days. Denny’s is no different, but perhaps they’ve gone too far. One of the restaurant chain’s social media accounts suggested, “If you’re up really late studying for finals, try swapping your contact solution with coffee for a quick pick me up.”
You know some truly inspired idiot is going to try this. Perplexed by this post, lilstrawberrymoon posted, “Dennys what the ****?” Indeed, lilstrawberrymoon. Coffee contacts are the gateway drug. Next, they’ll be dipping them in vodka.
Heat Up the Bath With Your Toaster
For legal reasons, it must be made clear to never try this at home. But honestly, where else would you try it? Because some people like to watch the world burn, twitter user @car_addict_jt opined, “Life hack: if your bath water gets cold, plug your toaster in and toss that bad boy in with you.”
Would this kill you? Research says “probably.” If a massive surge of power were discharged, the circuit breaker would “probably” switch off. But if you were holding the toaster and have copper pipes … it’s over.
Cry in The Backseat of Your Uber Pool
It’s tough to get out of bed sometimes. So if you have crippling depression, why not make it work for you? Twitter user @allstn has the right idea: “Life hack: if you cry in your uber pool, they don’t pick anybody else up.”
Make those tears work for you! A massive sob-fest throws a huge shield of awkward over everything. If no one rides with you, you get there faster. So if time is money, then you’re being paid to cry. It’s awesome to finally find what you’re good at.
Popcorn Hoodie
It’s not that this hack doesn’t work, it just has hugely disturbing implications. Do we really need a popcorn delivery device that sits right underneath our face? No. But do we want that? Actually, yes.
Deep down, everyone in America kind of wishes they could carry a hands-free food trough mere inches from their never-satisfied pie hole. But let’s take this all the way. Line that bad-boy with plastic and fill it with nacho cheese, or better yet, gravy. If we’re all going to be fat anyway, let’s get serious.
I Love YouTube
In a new relationship, someone has to say “I love you” first. But sometimes, the other person isn’t ready for it. For these situations, twitter user @lifehacks suggests “If someone says “I love you” and you don’t feel the same way, say “I love YouTube” really fast.”
Will this actually work? We all know this is terrible advice, but surely someone has tried it. If it does work, congrats for delaying a confrontation that will now be worse when it happens in the future! If not, the person you don’t love will be out the door immediately. Lovely advice.
Box Wine Pillow
This one actually makes a weird sort of sense. Drinker and twitterer @katie_mullen_ has a clever tip: “If you drink wine and aren’t able to make it home, blow up the bag and use it as a pillow.”
Seems like a fair deal — if you polish off an entire box of wine by yourself, you’ve earned a nap. Your box comes pre-loaded with an inflatable pillow for when your head is ready to hit the table. Just think of it as a parachute for drunk people.
Toilet Lid Dinner Tray
You’re meddling with fundamental forces of nature trying to make anything related to a toilet into a food tray. Even if that lid has been melted down, reformed and bleached, it still seems unsanitary.
And even if it were perfectly safe, no one wants to be thinking of going to the bathroom while they are eating. So yeah, this hack actually works, but be ready for complete banishment from society if you actually try it in public. In some countries, this is a capital offense on par with war crimes.
Microwave Your Phone to Recharge It
One of the most epic pranks of all time was a fake feature for the iPhone advertised by pranksters as “Wave.” According to the hoax, “You can now Wave-charge your device by placing it within a household microwave for a minute and a half.”
Did anyone in America fall for it? LOL, of course they did. @JordanBeeTheGee exclaimed, “Omgggg that wave thing for iOS 8 just blew my microwave up.” And he wasn’t alone. Let’s just say fire departments across America earned their keep that week.
Waterproof Outlet
Hey, A-plus on at least having the intention of keeping an electrical outlet safe from water. Another A-plus on creativity, but F-minus on the execution. That shoe won’t protect anyone from anything.
The only way this would work would be if all wind were eliminated and there was no such thing as splashing. And what about the moisture from fog or morning dew? Unless you like to count painful electrocution as one of your hobbies, you’d best reconsider your so-called safety compliance skills.
Get a Head Start on Crying
Look, you’re not going to have time to do everything this semester, so you’re going to have to get your crying out of the way early. Realist twitter user @annagarlock spells it out: “Life hack: accept how horrible this school year is going to be now so you can get a head start on crying.”
Being a pessimist means that you’re rarely disappointed. And if you get your uncontrollable sobbing done beforehand, then you’ll have much more time to ponder how you’ll be unemployed with crushing debt when you graduate.
Sleeping Drivers Need Sunglasses
Everyone can get behind driver safety, and one of the most dangerous things that can happen on the road is a sleeping driver. For this situation, twitter user @TrunnellKevin has novel advice: “Tired while driving? Put sunglasses on and take a nap! No one will see that you’re sleeping and get mad! Plus you’ll look cool!”
Really, that’s what you want when you’re barrelling down the freeway at 90 miles per hour headed for certain death. You want everyone to know that stupid has a face, and it looks cool!
Avoid an M&M Mess by Pouring Them Directly Into Your Mouth
It’s another one of those life hacks that’s a solution in search of a problem. M&M’s aren’t a particularly messy candy unless it’s hot out, so it’s not clear how this is any better than just eating them by hand like a normal person. If anything, this approach only has downsides, since it means you won’t be able to savor each piece.
One thing’s for sure: this method will attract the attention of concerned friends who will definitely organize an intervention over the shoveling-chocolate-into-the-face problem.
Do It With Your Selfie Stick
At some point in the future, selfie sticks will be considered a novelty from a bygone era. Our phones will just levitate and tell us what to do while asking about Sarah Conner.
Until that day comes, we’re stuck with the most narcissistic invention of all time. And if you feel the need to make a fool of yourself but can’t afford a proper selfie stick, well, why not make your own? Laptop and a broom handle? Go for it. You do you.
Use Your Nose Ring as a Key Ring
This is not as stupid as it looks. There are definitely some “pros” to hanging your keys from your nose ring. One, you’re not going to lose them. Two, people can hear you coming. Three, come Christmas time, you’ll be jingling all the way.
Of course, you can’t have all those pros without cons. There’s the risk of snotty keys. Put too many on and you might tear some cartilage. Oh, and hope you enjoyed your love life up until now, because you’re never making out with anyone ever again.
Going Slow? Throw It Into Racing Gear
If you ever want to hear the sound of the world ending, take your car to racing speeds and then throw it into reverse. Before the spine-crushing G-forces and inevitable crash, you’ll be treated to the apocalyptic noise of your transmission attempting to make a run for it before it screams and explodes.
“Racing gear” was a real twitter recommendation from @sandybeech4, although we’re sure it was meant as a joke. If you do try it, make sure you get a good video. That one will for sure go viral. They’ll probably even play it at your funeral!
Use a Snake to Measure Pasta
Hey, kitchen tools are personal. One cook’s measuring spoon with a hole in the middle is another cook’s pasta snake. Not everyone can be Gordon Ramsay, so it’s okay to improvise.
Plus, believe it or not, snakes are some of the cleanest animals in the world. No pores, constantly ex-foliating by slithering all over the place and shedding skin. So if you’re going to have a reptile hold your pasta, it might as well be a snake. Just keep it out of sight to protect the uncultured.
